Geordanna the Artist's Blog

"Sexual abuse distort’s a child’s understanding of sex and its wholesome purpose when used within God’s design. Sexual abuse interrupts a child’s delicate process of emotional, social, and sexual maturation."

What is sexual abuse?

To understand the damage of sexual abuse, we must first identify what it is and how victims are affected by it. Any sexual activity initiated by a peer or adult without consent is abuse, including physical, visual or verbal stimuli.

Unsurprisingly, many abusers themselves were sexually abused. Most are male, but more cases of female abuse are reported each year. Most abusers are people the victim knows—a family member, friend or trusted authority figure, and they’re in the churches, grocery stores, schools, theatres, scout troops, anywhere children are found. They are citizens of every socioeconomic, racial and ethnic status of our society.

As a victim of child sexual abuse, I can personally attest that the effects of abuse touch every aspect of my life—emotional, physical, relational and spiritual. I am living with a victim mentality . For over twenty-five years now I have only seen myself as a victim. Only recently have I started to try to see myself as a survivor.

I was and still am angry with everyone, and afraid to trust anyone. Shame and guilt are my constant companions, convincing me that I somehow encouraged the abusers' advances. I have built protective barriers to avoid loving and being loved. This in itself is what is causing even more harm in my life. You see I am married. I am married to a wonderful man who is extremely comfortable with his sexuality. Who needs to show love and see love through sexual intimacy. I am killing him softly everyday when I run from his advances or flat out reject him. I still wonder why he decided to marry such a broken person like myself.

Because my abuser was my grandfather, my father's father! I find it hard to trust anyone, even God. I used to think that my family and... God, seemed so indifferent to my suffering . Well correction my Mother, Father, and sister have always supported me and have tried to help me forgive. But early in my life I didn't understand a God who would allowed for my sister and I to get abused. I was afraid of that kind of love, so I rejected God...only now am I turning to him to heal and free me.

I suffered silently for more than twenty years before it became imperative that I face the issues of sexual abuse in my life. I couldn’t carry the burden and pain alone. I had to face the past, deal with the hurts and learn to live in the present. The “protective tools” I selected as an abused child—anger, bitterness and refusal to forgive—is causing me more pain rather than relief. I need to love myself so I can finally love my husband the way he deserves.

I know I need to BUT...I don’t want to forgive. Forgiving my abusers seems to reduce the significance of the crime and their need for punishment. Anyone who abuses others is guilty of a criminal act in all fifty states and in God’s eyes, has committed a wicked sin. I feel warranted in my desire for justice. It’s normal to be angry when an innocent person suffers the consequences thrust upon her by an abusive individual. It’s also natural to be cautious about preventing additional abuse and violation.


I am learning that God is also angry and grieved by sexual abuse, and He promises to repay for the evil that’s done and to avenge any sins committed against children. True justice can be gained only through our judicial system and by allowing room for God’s vengeance and judgment. But what makes my situation much harder is that now I am 28...I was abused at 4. My father's father (I will not call me my gr**father) was immediately asked to leave our house and he returned back to Costa Rica. For almost 25 years he has lived a free man. His wife and other children seem to just ignore it. No one talks about it. No one acknowledges it! Actually my father's side of the family have always shunned my sister and I. They are cruel to my Mother and Father believing my mom "stuck" these things in our heads.

Again my immediate family have acknowledged my sexual abuse but when we return back to Costa Rica I despise having to go visit my father side of the family because HE will be there. I do it anyways because of my grandmother. She is a loving women who though has never accepted her husband is a child abuser "out loud" I believe her guilt is shown by all she does for me. Sadly nothing she can do will give me back my innocence or childhood. Her husband committed murder. He killed who I should have become. I was meant to be happy, to love, to be loved, have healthy relationships...Because of what happened to me I struggle with being happy. I am constantly holding depression at bay but sometimes I get tired and let it in. My marriage is great in all aspects except for our sex life. We have none. I still see sex as a "bad" thing. I love my husband with all my heart but sex is just not important to me. This I know is destroying him. I know if I were him I would struggle so much with all this. So now my abuser hasn't only affected and ruined my life--he is affecting and ruining my husbands life.

I did nothing to cause the abuse—it wasn’t my fault. However, I am responsible for my refusal to forgive and my willingness to hate and harm rather than to love using healthy boundaries. I know I am wrong for judging all people as evil because of the crimes of a few but can't stop myself. Refusing to forgive, to accept and receive love and to constructively deal with my anger and fear is hurting me, not my abusers. I know this. I know I have to stop running from this, but I am afraid.

This realization is sending me into a fierce battle—a matter of life and death. I feel I am teetering on the ledge of sanity versus insanity by the tips of my fingers, my body dangling above the abyss of despair. I am afraid of change, but even more afraid of the pain I carry. But I am not trying to hide from the truth this time.

I understand the abuse was so invasive it will be a lifelong recovery process. Just the thought of letting go of the anger and the grief is hard to bear so I pray for God to send someone who will help me bear the burden and teach me how to forgive. I pray that person is my husband. Eventually, I know God will eliminate the pain from my past. I’m yet learning to deal with the present, which is strongly influenced by my past.

This is what happens to victims of abuse. They need compassion, love, understanding and encouragement to focus on the things gained through their adversity rather than allowing the past to control the present and the future. We need to be held accountable for our actions and our sin of refusing to forgive. The world can gain our experiences and perhaps the continued spread of this crime can be prevented.

Abuse changes lives forever, but healing is possible if the choice is to overcome the victim mentality, and work to become a survivor.